I've wrote this blog probably a hundred times in my head and just couldn't find the courage to write it all out. I've been really feeling for months now that God wanted me to share my story, but I keep pushing it to the side. The other day I got in the car and this song came on called "My Story." As I listened to the words it gave me confidence to finally share my own. We all have a story to tell, and we have the choice to use it to help other people or not. I'm choosing to be open and honest in order to help someone else.
I have always had a huge passion for helping people and knew that whatever I did for a career would have to incorporate that. There are many options out there, but God laid it on my heart at an early age that I would be a role model and example for others on having a positive body image. It seemed crazy to me at the time, b/c as confident as I seemed on the outside, it was quite the opposite on the inside. From the time I was 12 years old I started dealing with a negative self image which led to eating disorders. I can't quite pinpoint why I started feeling that way. My parents always told me how beautiful I was, and I had a lot of friends and seemed to always have a boyfriend. I was active in sports and always up beat and outgoing. I had a really great life. No one knew at the time that deep down I hated the way I looked. I was always my worst critic and striving for this unrealistic perfection that I could just never reach. I had started starving myself thinking that that would help me feel better about myself, but all that did was make me feel guilty and mess up my metabolism. I didn't want to tell anyone what I was going through because I didn't think anyone would understand. I finally realized I couldn't keep starving myself, but the negative view of myself did not go away.
I ended up transfering to a Christian school for high school and being in a faith based atmosphere was just what I needed. I didn't deal with any eating disorders through my 4 years of high school (although again the negative view of myself was still there.) However once I graduated I just felt lost. The structure I had come to love over those last 4 years was gone and I didn't know what direction to take next. Thats when bulimia crept into my life. I felt very out of control of my life and that seemed to be something that I could control. I knew that is not how God wanted me to treat my body, but in those moments I just didn't care. I was 22 years old when I finally broke free of all eating disorders. 10 years of my life had gone by and I was constantly living this internal battle of accepting myself and loving myself the way I was.
I felt proud of myself that I had beat 2 eating disorders on my own, but those negative thoughts stayed with me for many years after. I moved to Los Angeles when I was 24 to pursue a career in acting. I remembered what God put on my heart long ago about being a positive role model for body image and I just knew deep down that was my purpose in life. I had gone through what I had so I could help other people. I knew if I was to make it "big" in Hollywood then I could reach hundreds of thousands of people. However I let my own negative thoughts get in my head. I was so homesick and when I found out that my mom was sick I immediately made the decision to give up that dream and move home. I don't regret that decision one bit b/c my family is the most important thing to me and I would give up anything to be there for them. But it left a huge hole in my life. I thought I had found my purpose in life, and now I just felt empty again. I let that emptiness eat me alive. You couldn't even mention California to me or I would start crying. I felt like a huge failure in life.
My negative body image issues only got worse in this time. I couldn't find a way to feel good about myself. I started feeling more insecure each and every day that went on. I would literally have a panic attack when I went to the doctor because I knew they were going to make me get on a scale and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It was around this time I finally told my mom about everything I had been through. She of course felt horrible and blamed herself even though I told her she did everything right. She loved me unconditionally and always encouraged me and lifted me up. My parents were both very active and present in my life. I had just gotten so good at hiding my problem that there is no way they could have known. After telling her everything it was like a huge weight was lifted off me. I now had someone praying for me about my negative body image-and let me tell you there is power in prayer!
Shortly after this I ended up getting pregnant with my son. I can still remember my husband and I jumping up and down, hugging and crying when we found out. We had been trying to get pregnant for a year and we could not have been more happy! But deep down even though I was beyond excited, I was also terrified of gaining weight. Not only would I have to gain weight, but I would have multiple doctors appointments where they would track my weight gain. Not exactly my idea of a good time. Once I was about half way into my pregnancy I remember seeing pictures of myself "pre-baby" and wishing I could look like that again. I almost immediately laughed at myself when I had that thought. I am actually wishing to be that weight again, and when I was actually that weight I hated the way I looked. That was a HUGE wake up call for me. Here I am at 27 years old, having dealt with a negative body image for now over half my life. I was so sick and tired of feeling that way! It hit me that there wouldn't be some magic number on the scale that would make me like myself. It was time I started treated myself better.
So what did I do? I prayed. I was getting ready to be a mother and knew I had a child on the way that was going to look up to me and depend on me and I was not about to waste another minute tearing myself down. So I accepted myself in that moment. I knew it was going to be a struggle after I had my baby to lose the weight. But I was going to commit to loving myself every step of the way. So that is what I did. I remember looking at my postpartum body a few weeks after having Greyson. I looked at myself and told myself "You are beautiful. You were created in the image of God and He loves you. I choose to love myself as well." I had a really rough pregnancy and in that moment I learned to love and appreciate my body for everything I had been through. I was not where I wanted to be, but my goal was to work hard to get HEALTHY. Not skinny. I wanted to be Healthy-body, mind and soul.
That was almost 2 years ago and I have officially lost 50lbs. The most important part to me though is that I did it in a healthy way and I loved myself every step of the way. It's ironic to me that I learned to love myself at my heaviest weight, but God definitely works in mysterious ways. I honestly feel like I have been healed. God truly healed me body, mind and soul and I am forever grateful! I look back at pictures when I was pregnant or right after having Greyson and the old me would have had some disgusted comment to make. I am not ashamed of where I have been and am so thankful God allowed me to go through all of this so I can come out on the other end a better and happier person.
A few months ago an opportunity fell in my lap. I had lost most of my baby weight, but needed a little push to continue my health and weight loss journey. My friend Maria had been posting her weight loss on her facebook page and she looked AMAZING! Not only that but I could just see her confidence shining through. She told me she was doing the 21 Day Fix through Beachbody and after researching about it I knew I had to give it a shot. I fell in love with the program and decided I should sign up to coach so I could get the awesome 25% discount! After signing up to coach and learning more about the opportunity, I literally started crying b/c I finally realized what kind of opportunity fell into my lap. My dreams of helping others have a positive body image were coming true. God was giving me a second chance at His purpose for my life. I am literally on cloud 9 even thinking about it. I know that what I went through was not for nothing. I am already helping people feel great about themselves and I have only been coaching for a few months.
So you may have seen my posts on social media and I hope now it makes a little more sense as to "why" I am doing this. If my posts can help even one person, then I feel blessed to be able to help them. If this blog can help even one person than it has all been worth it. Please feel free to share this post with anyone you think might be encouraged by it. If you are struggling with eating disorders or a negative body image I am here to tell you that you don't have to live your life with that negativity. You CAN break that cycle and learn to love and appreciate yourself. Life is too short to go around feeling bad about yourself. God created you in His image-and that is as beautiful as it gets! If anyone needs someone to talk to please contact me. You are not alone!
I pray that whoever reads this is blessed and encouraged in some way. Whatever your trials and tribulations are in life I encourage you to find a way to turn it into a positive.
Psalm 139:13-14 "For You created my inmost being, You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful. I know that full well."
so awesome Britt~ thanks for sharing! :)
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